I remember a friend of mine saying that nobody does anything voluntarily unless they get something out of it. That even people who appear to give their time, their money or their services selflessly, even they are motivated by getting something in return. It might be a feeling of self-importance, it may be receiving recognition or it may be that they want to feel appreciated. When their expectation isn’t met – if they don’t feel appreciated or their efforts aren’t recognised – their apparent generosity towards others soon turns into resentment.
I disagreed with my friend at that time, but now, I think I’ve changed my mind.
Last week I witnessed a pretty heated discussion on the sharing of duties in the back my community hall. It was clear that there was a lot of resentment felt by one group of people towards another group.
The first group felt they were being taken advantage of by the second group; that the second group was not stepping up to help set up and clean up after events.
The first group have always been givers and volunteers. They are kind, generous people who have, for as long as I can remember, been the first to step in and help.
Last week, it was clear that the first group felt their efforts were unappreciated. It was also clear that their expectations had not been met.
Let me just point out that the second group of people weren’t in the room at the time. There was no way of knowing why they hadn’t been stepping up to help out. There was only the first group’s view of why things were the way they were. And there were certainly a lot of assumptions being thrown about.
So, how to move forward?
For me, there were two options available.
- Have a conversation with the second group and come to an agreement on the practical distribution of duties. There’s nothing wrong with entering into a partnership agreement where each party contributes something. But that needs to be agreed up front by both parties. It’s not a partnership when one party doesn’t even know about it or hasn’t actually agreed to it; or
- Decide whether individuals want to continue volunteering their services with no expectation of receiving anything in return, or, perhaps step away from volunteering for a while.
Both options require some action. Both options require taking responsibility.
Notice I said ‘taking’ responsibility. Not ‘placing’ responsibility. If you are dealing with feelings of resentment, anger or frustration, then it’s up to you to address them.
Change is not going to happen unless action is taken. And the action needs to be taken by the person in the room. You.
In the case of the community hall events, responsibility for sorting out the mess must be taken by the first group – the group experiencing the resentment and frustration. The second group don’t even know about it, so responsibility to do something about it cannot be placed at their feet. There are certainly actions that the second group can take once they have come to the table, but it is up to the first group to invite them to the table.
The same applies to us as individuals in our own lives.
Do we do things selflessly, expecting nothing in return, or do we have expectations of others that they may not have any idea about?
What happens when others don’t deliver what we expect? Is it their fault we are feeling resentful, angry or frustrated?
I will go out on a limb and say “no”. It’s not their fault, nor their responsibility to fix.
It all comes back to the assumptions we’ve made and the expectations we carry. Those assumptions and expectations are ours. We own them. So if they don’t come to pass, we own the results.
And if we want to experience different results, then it’s up to us to take action.
