Hey! I’m having a pity-party and you’re invited!
We all have pity-party people in our lives. And well, let’s face it: we are these people at times.
You know the kind. They just want to talk about their issues, their circumstances, the woe is me conversations that seem to be on repeat. And no matter what suggestions we have for them to break the cycle of woe, they are absolutely committed to remaining stuck with their outcomes.
It can be draining.
So, what can you do when you find yourself dealing with someone like that?
Firstly, look after yourself. Just like any party invitation, it’s just an invitation – you don’t have attend.
Secondly, if you’ve done all you can to support, encourage and guide someone to take action but they don’t, then you need to walk away. Leave them to it. It’s not up to you to keep highlighting how much pain they are causing themselves. If they are adamant to continue with their own self-sabotage, it just means the pain of the situation they are in isn’t that bad. It’s only when the pain gets so bad – for them – that they will be prompted to take action.
It goes back to recognising the difference between someone wanting their circumstances to change versus someone wanting to change their circumstances. That first statement, well, that’s just typical of someone operating in victim mode. That second statement means that the person is taking accountability for their lives.
It’s one thing to lend a sympathetic ear, give someone a hug, and even cry with them. But when that’s all that they want from you over an extended period of time, and you can see clearly that they have no intention of taking even the slightest action to move from that state of wallowing, it could mean that they have become far too comfortable with their pain. And many people end up wearing that pain or their circumstances as a badge or label. It becomes part of their identity.
It may seem harsh but, if you’ve tried and tried and they just don’t want to let go of their pain, their frustration, their victimhood, then you need to leave them to it.
Perhaps as a coach I’m more attuned to spotting the pity-party invitations. When I’m assessing whether I can work with a client, one of the first things I look for is their active accountability for their own circumstances and their lives. Believe me, there are people who have suffered terribly at the hands of other people or random events, but it becomes very clear, very quickly whether someone is looking for others to simply feel sorry for them, joining them for their pity-party, or whether someone has had enough of the poor results in their lives and want to do something about it.
As I said earlier, at times, we are the ones who want to throw a pity-party. Sometimes we have to wallow in our misery for a little while to simply process negative feelings out of our systems. But when we get stuck, when we prefer to identify with our circumstances rather than taking action – even the smallest step – then we have a problem. It’s time to listen to the suggestions of those who want to help. It’s time to make some changes. No-one is going to do that for you.
