Letting go

A friend of mine recently suggested that I write a post about decluttering.  Sure, I was happy to.  Although I had already written one some time ago, I could do a refreshed version.  However, as the conversation went along as to why she was making the suggestion, I found that what we were actually talking about was letting go.

This wasn’t simply about creating space in one’s life by removing the clutter that was taking up that space; it was about the emotional attachment to people and to memories that those items of clutter were associated with.

You see, we ended up talking about the losses of our mothers.  My friend’s mother passed away 10 years ago and my mother, 5 years ago. To this day, we are still holding onto our mothers’ possessions – not all of them – but enough to be taking up space.

So why do we hold onto the possessions of our lost loved ones?

Well, there are reasons of practicality: I needed extra cupboard space, so hanging onto mum’s display cabinets is a perfect solution.

There are things that I really like:  I love jewellery, so I kept a few of her rings.

Then there’s sentimentality: This can cover the practical as well as the “I like it” items.  But anything can fall into the sentimental bucket.  And what’s in this bucket can tip us over into the clutter problem if we aren’t careful.

We can attach emotion to anything at all, from mum’s favourite CDs to the bedroom suite that she and dad had when they were first married.  Some things take up little space and others, like a bedroom suite, well, they can take up a lot more space than a few CDs.

It doesn’t really matter what the item is, the issue is with the emotion we attach to that item that can cause us to hold onto it indefinitely, even when it has no place in our lives.

So why do we feel it is so difficult to let go of these things?

One of the most common reasons is guilt. It’s as though we feel that a loved one would be angry or disappointed with us for not treasuring that item the way they treasured it.  (The issue of guilt can open up a whole can of worms – so I shall leave this issue for another blog for another day).

Then there’s the fear of losing our memories of our loved one – that by removing the item we will also be removing, or somehow diminishing, the memories we have of that person.

The thing is, our memories live in our minds and hearts.  ‘Things’ may trigger those memories, but these ‘things’ are not the memories themselves.

So the question remains:  How and when do we let go?

The answer is:  it depends on the individual.

You have to be ready to let go.

For some people, this is a very quick process.  They have little or no emotional attachment to physical items and can quickly and easily remove them. Their grief will be for the person they lost, and not for the physical belongings of that person.

For others, and many of us fall into this group, we do form emotional attachments to physical items as a way to lessen the initial shock of the loss.  We may not be able to hold onto that person who has passed, but we can hold onto their possessions.

Over time, as we come to accept the loss and start letting go of our grief, we also start letting go of the physical items.  How long that process takes is different for everyone.

I kept a lot of mum’s clothes when she passed.  I reasoned that they were too good to give away. Mind you, apart from a couple of blouses, there really wasn’t anything I could actually wear.  So, those clothes sat it various wardrobes around the house taking up space.

It took about one year before I did a major cull which then left me with only one wardrobe full of her clothes.  Over the next two years I did further clear outs and today I have kept only a couple of her coats – ones that I can wear.

I believe that the willingness to let go of a loved one’s physical possessions is correlated with the end of the grieving cycle.  As we finally move on and let go of our grief, we also finally let go of their belongings, and as I mentioned earlier, the timing of this is different for every individual.

Well-meaning friends or other family members may try and help spur on a clean out.

For some, this is a Godsend.  Without those people, we could potentially hold onto these tems for the rest of our lives. Sometimes we need someone to come along and help shift us out of our grief by removing everything in one go – a bit like tearing off a Band-Aid – there is initial, sharp and intense pain, but then it settles down very quickly and you forget about the pain soon after.

For others, the grief may continue, only now, there is also resentment that things we associate precious memories with have been dramatically taken away.

For this second group, I go back to an earlier statement I made.  Memories live in our thoughts and minds, not it physical items. Perhaps the initial removal of items may be deeply painful, however, just like the natural grieving process, the pain will diminish over time and you will be able to continue with your life. Yes, you will continue to miss your loved one, but please be rest assured that you will not forget them.

It certainly is not a case of all or nothing – that is, holding onto all our loved one’s possessions versus holding onto none.  If those items are cluttering up your house and your life, you don’t have to remove them all.  Why not choose to keep only a few items – ones that are either practical and that you use, ones that you really like and are aligned with who you are, and maybe one or two small items that you are sentimental about and trigger good memories of your departed loved one.

It’s OK to let go of things. Instead, hold onto the thoughts, feelings and memories you have for your loved one. They are what will truly remain with you always.