Let’s get honest here. There are things you won’t do. There are things that I won’t do. But, how often do we disguise our “I won’t” by “I can’t”?
What do I mean?
Well, it can be anything.
Years ago, the thought of going to the movies alone conjured up all sorts of crazy thoughts. “People will think I have not friends. I’m going to look pathetic sitting in a movie theatre on my own. I can’t do that.”
I didn’t recognise it then, but it wasn’t a matter of “I can’t”. It was a matter of “I won’t”. Those limiting thoughts outweighed my desire to see whichever movie it was I wanted to see. But in actual fact, there were no physical impediments to me going to the movies on my own. The only things that were stopping me were my thoughts.
However, eventually there was a movie I really wanted to see but none of my friends wanted to go. They had either already seen it or it wasn’t something they were interested in. But I really wanted to see it and I knew I’d regret not seeing it. I still had all of those silly thoughts that would normally keep me from going alone, but rather than giving in to those thoughts, I asked myself: Do I want to see this movie or not? Yes!
So I made a decision. I wasn’t going to miss seeing it because no-one else was around to go with me. The distaste of missing the movie far outweighed the silly thoughts I was having.
And rather than feeling friendless or feeling pathetic, that act of going on my own made me feel really proud of myself. I felt empowered.
In that simple experience, I had the big realisation that I can do it. I had simply been hiding my “I won’t” behind “I can’t”.
These days, when coaching clients, I use the same story when helping them recognise their own “I can’t versus I won’t” situations.
“I can’t because I don’t have the money.” – Well, you can. You won’t because you are simply prioritising other things to spend your money on.
“I can’t because I don’t have the time.” – Well you can. You won’t because you are prioritising your time onto other things.”
“I can’t because I’m scared.” – Well you can. You won’t because you are giving in to scary thoughts. There’s nothing physically stopping you –they are only your thoughts.
Using “I won’t” in place of “I can’t” helps us get really honest with ourselves.
You see, “I can’t” puts the power of making things happen outside of ourselves. “I won’t” is a decision and it puts the power directly in our own control.
Now, no-one is saying “you must”. You get to choose. But don’t hide your choices behind “I can’t”.
Make a decision, and if it is a no, then own it. Use “I won’t”.
