Many of us struggle with using the word “no” and falling into the trap of being people pleasers.
This is often driven by feelings of obligation, fear of being judged or seeking the approval of others.
But always remember: Those who truly love you unconditionally will not place any conditions on their love and acceptance of you – otherwise, it wouldn’t be unconditional. In fact, placing conditions upon you – such as expecting you to behave a certain way, believe certain things or make decisions that align with their beliefs, rather than yours – these are all forms of manipulation, intentional or unintentional. And it is a reflection of their own insecurity.
When we say yes when we really want to say no, this is a clear signal that we are not recognising our true worth and value. We are saying someone else is more worthy of our time and attention, that their right to believe and express their beliefs is more important than us holding or expressing our own, or that their priorities are more important than our own. We place more value on them than we do on ourselves.
Now, this isn’t about turning ourselves into selfish and self-centred people. Nor is it about thinking that we are better than anyone else. However, when we find ourselves dimming our own lights, making ourselves smaller than we truly are, or when we start operating outside of our own values, then we aren’t serving anyone. Each and every one of us is a unique and precious gift to the world and pretending to be any less than who we truly are means that we are withholding our uniqueness and our gifts to all whose lives we touch.
Of course, there are times where the needs of others must be attended to. You may have an elderly parent whom you need to visit and check up on. Or you may have a child with special needs. But I’m not talking about these sorts of non-negotiable situations. I’m talking about standing your ground with regard to your own values, your beliefs, and your choices.
Living your life by other people’s demands and expectations is guaranteed to bring you unhappiness. Yet, at times, all of us find ourselves either giving in to other people’s expectations, or when we do stand our ground, we can find ourselves struggling with feelings of guilt that we let them down, or fear that they won’t like us/approve of us anymore.
And again, I’ll re-state what I said above:
Those who truly love you unconditionally will not place any conditions on their love and acceptance of you.
If someone truly loves you, then perhaps they may not like what you think, believe or do – but they will love you anyway.
If there are conditions that come with being in a relationship with someone, if they try to manipulate you into thinking or behaving in ways that betray yourself, your beliefs or your values, then perhaps it’s time to re-assess that relationship.
It’s OK to say no. Those who love you will be OK with that. Those that aren’t OK with it, well, you’ll now have a clear indication of how much they value the true you. Then it’s up to you to make your own decision about the sort of relationship you want to maintain with them.
