I was listening to talk-back radio earlier this week where two guests were discussing the topic of forgiveness. The commentator kept bringing up different scenarios and asking whether the guests believed the wrong-doer should be forgiven, or if he should be held to account.
I found myself yelling at the radio: You’ve completely missed the meaning of forgiveness!
So often each of us get caught up in a similar kind of reasoning – particularly when we ourselves have been wronged – where we believe that a wrong-doer should not be forgiven until they have acknowledged and paid for what they did. But is forgiveness directly correlated to someone being punished or even acknowledging their wrong doing? Can forgiveness take place without the wrong-doer’s involvement in any restitution?
Forgiveness is not…
Forgiveness is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card. It does not mean that an offending person or institution isn’t brought to account for their wrong doing. It doesn’t mean that you have condoned or excused someone’s actions. Nor does it mean forgetting the wrongs that were done.
Forgiveness is…
Forgiveness is the conscious, deliberate decision to release one’s own feelings of resentment and vengeance towards a person or group who has caused harm – regardless of whether they actually deserve that forgiveness or not.
Why is forgiveness so important?
Because the act of forgiveness benefits the one who is doing the forgiving.
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily benefit the perpetrator. In fact, there are many times when someone has wronged you and either had no idea they’ve done it or, they actually don’t care that they have caused any hurt. They may never think of seeking forgiveness. Most likely, they will simply get on with their lives, and have no knowledge or concern that you’ve been left stewing in a soup of toxic emotions.
You feeling hurt, angry or vengeful does nothing to the other person. That toxicity inside you is doing harm – not to them, but to you.
Not forgiving someone is like you drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Of course it’s much easier to place the responsibility for those internal feelings of self-pity, anger, hatred or vengeance on the one who carried out the wrongful deed in the first place. But the bottom line is, those toxic emotions are festering inside of you – not the wrong-doer. Only you can release those feelings. No-one else can do it for you. The wrong-doer may never take responsibility for their hurtful actions, so it’s up to you, the one who has been hurt, to take responsibility for dealing with the emotions inside of yourself.
Waiting for someone else to release you from negative emotions is only prolonging how long you will suffer. That wrong-doer may, or may not ever, be brought to account for their actions. Do you really want to wait that long?
When you carry resentment, vengeance and anger within you, there is no room for peace, joy and happiness. When you decide that you’ve suffered enough with those negative emotions and if you decide to let peace, joy and happiness into your life again, it will be you, and only you, who can consciously and deliberately release your own feelings of resentment and vengeance towards the other person who caused harm – regardless of whether they actually deserve that forgiveness or not.
Ask yourself this:
If I’ve been wronged, what would be in my best interest? To forgive or not to forgive?
