It’s OK to say no. We all know that. There are so many articles around telling us to free ourselves from obligations that others have placed on us, or about saying no in order to save our sanity when we are over-committed.
But it’s not so easy to find anything about the guilt that often comes with that tiny little word.
Saying no can be challenging both in terms of saying it in the first place and then dealing with the guilt once we’ve said it.
I recently had a few friends over for a dinner party. I had spent hours creating a video play list for the music I wanted to play through the evening, knowing that everyone there would get a kick out of seeing their musical loves from decades gone by. Half way through the evening, one of them asked me – implored me in fact, to put on the football. His favourite team was playing.
Now, at this point, let me share with you that I cannot stand the football. It’s not something that I am simply not interested in. I cannot tolerate it. I dislike it with a passion.
My friend even used the words “I’m begging you” in his request.
I actually asked him – if I was in your home at one of your events and the football was on, would you turn it off if I asked you to? No, was the answer.
Hmm.
But I love my friend. And I have been brought up to put other people’s needs first, be hospitable, and give guests what they want.
I desperately wanted to say no but I couldn’t think of a way to say it without sounding selfish. So instead, I turned on the football.
And I felt awful.
I felt like I was being disrespected in my own home and my own event wasn’t something I could enjoy.
I struggled for a few minutes with those feelings of resentment. A couple of other friends asked why I had turned off the music and put on the football. I explained that I had been asked to but I wasn’t happy about it.
And then I looked over at my friend who had actually asked for it, and he wasn’t even watching the game!
So I went back over to the TV and put my video play list back on.
The resentment I felt dissipated immediately. But right behind it, the guilt jumped in.
So what was behind the guilt?
Was I disappointing my friend? Was I failing to be the ‘perfect hostess’ that I was brought up to be? Was I being selfish?
I had the ‘internal friend’ conversation with myself. You know – the conversation you have with yourself as if it were with a friend who came to you with the same dilemma.
If a friend told me that they were in the same situation, I would tell them that:
- It’s your dinner party and you have every right to run it the way you want;
- Making others feel comfortable in your home shouldn’t come at the expense of making you feel uncomfortable, let alone feeling upset and resentful;
- You’ve just provided a wonderful meal, drinks, music, a welcoming atmosphere to your guests – not putting the football on does not make you a poor hostess; and
- He isn’t even watching it! It clearly isn’t that important to him.
Yes, my friend – my inner voice – was right.
The guilt left me.
Resentment is a sure sign that a line has been crossed somewhere. It may be an invisible line – a line that we can’t even identify – but our discomfort is a clear indication that this is something that doesn’t align with what’s right for us.
Standing up for yourself, your needs and desires is not selfish or self-centred. Showing love to others doesn’t mean you have to become a door mat. In fact, letting people take advantage of you, or believing your needs are somehow less important that other’s, shows a lack of love – a lack of love for yourself.
Let’s face it, you cannot give away what you don’t have. If you don’t have love for yourself, how on earth can you show love to others?
Don’t just simply set your needs and wants aside. If you are happy to do so freely and without any negative feelings, then by all means, go ahead. However, next time you want to say no to someone and find yourself feeling guilty about it, explore what’s behind those feelings.
- If you go along with their request, how will you feel?
- Will you end up feeling resentful?
- If so, what is it that you are missing out on, or what desire are you setting aside?
- Is there anything wrong with what you want?
- Will saying no turn you into a bad person?
No? Well, perhaps there’s nothing to feel guilty about after all.
