My sister and brother-in-law are in the process of building a house which happens to be a few doors down from me. It’s been taking a while as they’ve been building it themselves. And by a while, I mean a few years.
Over these few years, I’ve held numerous functions at my house – parties, lunches, dinners, birthdays, Christmas and Easter. What often happens is that my guests get curious as to the progress of the build and they ask my brother-in-law to see the house. (He is usually at any of the events I have).
I’ve never given this routine any thought.
Then one day, I was speaking to a very close friend and he asked me how the house building was going. I replied “Great. You should pop in and see it.”
I was shocked to hear his response. He said: “No. I’ve never been invited. Your brother-in-law obviously doesn’t like me.”
I explained to him that I have never actually been invited to see the house. I just go there. And no-one else I know has actually been invited. They are the ones who have asked to see the place.
Nope. That wasn’t good enough. There was no shifting my friend’s mindset that he was disliked by my brother-in-law because he’d never been invited to see the house.
Now these two people have known each other for many, many years. They’ve been at events at each other’s houses. Their kids grew up spending nights at each other’s houses.
And yet my friend has assumed that my brother-in-law doesn’t actually like him because he was never invited to see the progress of the house being built.
How often do we do this? Something doesn’t go our way, or someone doesn’t do something we expect them to, and we go off and create an entire story to explain why this is so. And it usually isn’t a very nice story. It usually isn’t a story laced with generosity, kindness or assuming the best of the other person.
We assume the worst.
I know I’ve done it. Someone doesn’t call me when I expect them to, and my mind goes off racing with thoughts like: I’m the one who always calls, they are selfish, they don’t appreciate my friendship.
Well, that’s if I let my thoughts run off like that. I’ve been at this personal growth and development stuff for years, so I’m pretty good now at catching myself when I start heading off into one of these spirals.
I also know what it feels like to be confronted by someone who has created a story about my intentions and actions when something hasn’t gone their way. It’s awful to have to try and defend yourself against someone’s story of you that isn’t even real.
The truth is, when we assume the worst in someone, it’s not a reflection of the other person, but it’s a reflection of ourselves. If we dig deep enough, we’ll find that there will be some root fear or false belief at the bottom of the assumption.
I know my thoughts of: they are selfish and they don’t appreciate my friendship are really my way of avoiding facing my false belief of: I’m not worthy. (Oh, don’t poo-poo me. I know you have some deep-seeded false beliefs, too!)
It’s a lot easier to blame someone else, albeit falsely, than confront what we really have to address within ourselves.
Next time things don’t go your way because of something someone did or didn’t do, ask yourself:
- What have I assumed about the situation or behaviour?
- Have I assumed the worst?
- Why?
