When the need for acceptance is greater than the need to be who we truly are, our true self slowly but surely begins to die.
The suppression of self is something that comes naturally to so many of us that we don’t even notice that we are killing the person we were meant to be.
So, where does this drive to supress who we are and what we want come from?
As infants and children, we are completely dependent upon our parents for survival – physically and emotionally. We learn from an early age to censor what we can and cannot express. There is an instinctual drive and sensitivity to pick up on the signals that demonstrate when our parents and caregivers are themselves unhappy, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. And when a parent becomes emotionally unavailable due to their own emotions, that poses a great risk to the child’s attachment to that parent. So, the child learns to quash, control and yes, supress, what it is they truly feel and what they can express so as not to create any risk to that attachment.
Now, this is about having a go at parents. It would be fair to say that almost without exception, parents love their children and are doing their utmost to care for them. What I’m talking about is how the infant or child interprets and processes a parent’s emotions and the risk that poses to how the parent can then support that child.
This is all instinctual. Emotional. It’s not logical and it’s certainly not intentional.
The point is, that it is from an early age that we develop that desperate need to be accepted by others. Of course, it makes sense for us when we are children – our survival depends on it. But once we are adults, that desperate need for attachment and acceptance can become harmful.
When you cannot be who you are, freely express how you feel, put your needs first, that suppression of self will eat away at you from the inside. Not only does it cause mental and emotional stress, there are also implications to your physical health.
I encourage you to watch this video by Dr. Gabor Maté where he delves into this concept in much more detail, and he demonstrates the link between suppression of self and the chronic diseases our society battles with today.
I do want to put a warning label on it – some people may find it confronting, particularly those people who put themselves last, who put everyone else’s needs above their own, who believe they must be nice, well behaved and not be an inconvenience to others. However, I think it is really important for people to understand just how harmful it is to hide who you are, what you want and how you feel, and not showing up as your true self.
As adults, we need to shift the scales of what’s most important – we need to raise the need for being true to ourselves above the need to people-please. No doubt, once you start standing up for yourself and for your own needs, there will be people who won’t be happy with those changes. There will be people who will ‘detach’ from you. That may hurt. But you have to ask yourself, did they want to be in relationship with you – the real you? Or did they want you in their life because of the purpose you served for them?
You only get one life. It’s time to stop living it based on what everyone else wants and who they expect you to be.
There is only one true you. It’s time to come out of hiding.
