One of the key concepts I cover in my coaching programs is the notion that if something is possible for one, it is possible for all. We dig deep into this concept when someone is struggling with the idea that something is only possible for others, but not for them. At the core of this thinking will be some sort of belief that the person I’m working with isn’t worthy of “that” – whatever that thing is that they long for but don’t believe they can have in their life. There will be some belief, either conscious or unconscious, that “that” isn’t possible because of their family, their socio-economic status, their education, their age, where they live, decisions they’ve made in the past – pretty much anything that provides an excuse as to why they are not worthy of having “that”.
What I help clients work through is that key life principle: if it is possible for one, it is possible for all. And they are included in that “all”.
No matter what conditions you find yourself in, someone else somewhere in the world will also have those same conditions, yet they could be getting a completely different set of results. So, if they can have the same background, the same experiences, the same education, be the same age, etc. yet can create different results in their life, it means that it IS possible. And if it is possible for one, it is possible for all.
What I don’t tend to come across in my coaching is the flip side of those beliefs. This is where someone believes that because of their experiences, background, age, education, where they live, etc., that they deserve to be, to do or to have something, that people who do not meet the same criteria, don’t deserve to have. That is a troublesome kind of belief. Entitlement.
I love what Carolyn Myss, best-selling author and internationally renowned speaker in the fields of human consciousness, spirituality and mysticism says about the words “blame” and “deserve”:
“These words are trouble makers, no matter which way you use them. Consider this: they always direct you towards powerlessness and they encourage you to project expectations on to other people that inevitably incur resentment, either you toward them or a mutual resentment.”
She also points out that “deserve” is another word for “entitled”.
I bring this up in this month’s blog because I witnessed an example of entitlement at play and the resentment it was causing someone. And that got me thinking about helping people overcome their limiting beliefs but not leading them down the path of creating a false sense of entitlement.
The example relates to an outing with friends some time ago where I overheard a conversation by a couple who were quite resentful that their son missed out on getting a job because it had gone to another candidate that they deemed as not being worthy.
They were convinced that the company was forced by policy to not take on the best candidate – which in their minds was clearly their son – and instead, to bring on someone who was far less qualified because they met some other politically-correct criteria. Mind you, they had no idea who the successful candidate was.
I don’t think it even occurred to them that their son may not have been the best candidate. Perhaps he didn’t perform very well in the interview. Maybe he did, but someone else did even better. Who knows. But they were quite aggrieved that their son, who was smart, lived in a well-to-do area, went to a good university – well, he didn’t get the job that he by all accounts deserved.
Someone had to be blamed for that injustice. It might as well be the company policy.
Have you ever found yourself doing that or something similar? When something doesn’t go your way, do you look to blame others, the government, the system? Well, let’s look at a common example – do you get annoyed when someone wants to merge into your lane of traffic? Is it because you think of it as “your” lane? Perhaps they are driving an old, beaten-up car. Surely, you can’t be expected to drive behind that thing!
That’s entitlement, right there. It’s someone or something getting in the way of you getting what you believe you’re entitled to.
Here’s the thing – that concept whereby something being possible for one means that something is possible for all, it doesn’t come at the expense of others. Whereas, entitlement does.
Entitlement comes from a place of lack or of scarcity. If you have it, it means I can’t.
Think of the whole gender equity resistance that was expressed years ago (and still is today in some quarters) when employment opportunities were opened up to women or where policies were put in place to encourage greater female participation. “They” were going to take all the men’s jobs! Jobs that men were ENTITLED to! There it is again. Entitlement.
Today, yes, we still see some men with that kind of thinking. Thankfully, that’s getting less and less. However, we do see entitlement expressed, by both men and women, about other demographics – just listen to how some people talk about migrants or people of colour. How dare “they” think that “they” can join our workforce? Don’t “we” deserve those jobs.
You know, the degree of nastiness that comes with entitlement can be staggering.
A false sense of entitlement is destructive to both the one who believes they deserve to be, to do or to have something, but don’t get it, as well as the person who is targeted by their blame and resentment.
So, when things don’t go your way, pay attention to what you think or say about the situation. Are you blaming others? Do you use terms like “that’s unfair”? Those are good indicators that you are harbouring some false sense of entitlement. Then think about what that’s doing to you. Remember what Carolyn Myss said about blame and deserve: they always direct you towards powerlessness and they encourage you to project expectations on to other people that inevitably incur resentment, either you toward them or a mutual resentment.”
And resentment isn’t good. It’s not good for you mentally, emotionally or spiritually.
