Let’s face it. Most people don’t want to change.
Seriously.
I see this virtually every day in my coaching business.
A potential client will want to share their story as to why they are the way they are, why their life is the way it is, who is to blame, what happened, etc. etc.
As a human being, I get it. I get “the story”. I get why someone is looking for sympathy, acknowledgement or confirmation that what happened to them was terrible and explains why they are the way they are.
But the thing is, when a potential client comes to me, they aren’t looking for a sympathetic friend. They are looking for a coach. They no longer want to focus on the “why they are the way they are”; they are looking to create something different for their life.
As a coach, their “story” actually isn’t relevant – yes, it provides some background and context, but we don’t focus our energies there. And in fact, when someone is stuck in their story, it tells me they aren’t ready for coaching. They aren’t looking to move on from “why they are they way they are.”
Coaching is for people who no longer want to be defined by their story. They want to leave that story in the past where it belongs because they recognise that that story has no place in their life. It’s actually holding them back, keeping them stuck in a misery that happened in the past; it’s not happening now, and it has no place in their present or their future. They want to move past it. That’s why they come to a coach. It’s someone who will help keep them from dwelling in the past and provide them some structure as they create something different for their life.
So, why is it that people are so resistant to letting go of, or moving on from, those past events, people, situations that had such an impact?
One reason may be that they don’t know how to move past it – and that’s where coaching can help.
However, another reason is that the impact of those past events, people and situations isn’t bad enough. They’ll insist that it is and they’ll genuinely want the pain to go away. But when it comes down to it, they are just too comfortable with how they are living with “the story” and they want to hang onto the blame and the excuses. They’ve repeated it to themselves so often that it is now part of their identity. It’s what they know and that discomfort is what they are now comfortable with.
There’s a quote by Reverend Michael Beckwith that I share in my webinars and workshops:
We are pushed by pain until we are pulled by a vision.
That quote captures the two driving forces behind why someone will want to create change in their life. It’s pain or it’s a vision for something that they would love. Now, it is possible for some to skip the pain part because yes, there are some people who will have a compelling enough vision which propels them into action. But more common than not is that people start taking action only when the pain of the status quo is intense enough. And if the pain isn’t intense enough, then they won’t be propelled into changing anything.
The thing to be aware of is that the pull of what’s familiar is a very strong force, even when what’s familiar causes us discomfort. But when we stick with what’s familiar and we stick with the discomfort for long enough, then we get comfortable with the discomfort. And that can keep us stuck.
So, think about what you’ve been unhappy with in your life, particularly if you know you’ve been putting up with that discomfort for a long time. Have you got some story that goes along with that discomfort? Have you become too comfortable in your discomfort?
